Irritable and perverse, Professor Ob Long Pulseloose sashayed into the editorial suite at TroutPomeroy World Headquarters with as bad an attitude as any member of the TroutPomeroy Bored Of Predators had seen since Halloween, in reality or dream state.
Most cut the retired anthropology lecturer more slack than usual, allowing him three seats instead of the customary two and extending several platters of rich cheese croissants to the obese denizen of deliberation.
With the entire planet in turmoil and all his investments in full retreat, Pulseloose exuded manifest anxiety, particularly when certain members honed-in on what is perhaps his weakest karmic area - personal hygiene.
He denied chewing his own fingernails, insisting instead that the carnage occurred while saving a cocker spaniel from involuntary castration. Excessive bad breath was attributed to a counter espionage campaign seeking to overturn a cruel despot, his dentist. Hair askew was said to be a result of research intended to verify the value of peroxide as an aphrodisiac in certain pre-pubescent communities outside Sun City.
"I am completely innocent of all charges," he said again and again. "Frankly, I did not do it."
Still, the questioning continued for several hours. Pulseloose paced the room as he heaped denial upon denial, aggravating some bored members and provoking others with an air of false hubris and an obnoxious tapping of both of his feet, especially just before lunch break.
More than once he pulled a soiled oilcloth from his suit coat pocket and ran it under each armpit, as if to convey a measured defiance, balanced by an obscene build-up of male chauvinistic hyperbole.
The following dialogue was recorded by transcribing secretary Amelia Airhart and converted to HTML by cyber wizard Dave Lieben.
Bashful readers are advised to skip this room on the TroutPomeroy webpage and click over to either Conch O Streamishness or Women's Room.
Bored: The past is prologue. What is the future?
Pulseloose: Less than five seconds from now. Just hold on.
Bored: You go from north of obscure to beyond remote. What's next?
Pulseloose: Sugar-free oxygen.
Bored: Pierce our eyebrows, what a break-through. Do you hold the patent?
Pulseloose: I hold the 9-iron.
Bored: What's wrong with sugar in the air? It's everywhere else.
Pulseloose: I hadn't thought of that. Thanks a lot.
Bored: Boy, you're welcome, professor. Thanks for taking time to talk with us today. Won't you please sit down?
Pulseloose: No, I have a bad back. I'd rather stand and walk around the room. I hope my fly is not down.
Bored: Paging Dr. Johnson, paging Dr. Johnson.
Pulseloose: Oh, thanks. I appreciate that.
Bored: Well, old man, we made it to the next millennium. Did that surprise you?
Pulseloose: I was rather shocked. I actually never thought we'd see 1970, let alone, 2003. This is surreal, kind of Buck Rogers, really. The world keeps moving faster. I hope we don't attract a big-assed meteorite or anything. We are truly whirling through space.
Bored: Speak for yourself.
Pulseloose: All right, then. BEATLE-BOMB!!!
Bored: We haven't heard that in awhile. Are, are, are you from the '50s or something?
Pulseloose: Close. Try the '40s.
Bored: OK. How about the '40s?
Pulseloose: Nope, I'm not sure.
Bored: You're gonna be 60 in a few years. Any thoughts about growing up or wearing nice clothes or driving a big person's car or acting seriously or getting a real job or straightening out or using Listerine?
Pulseloose: Yes, I have been thinking about all of those things.
Bored: Where does this mental exercise lead?
Pulseloose: In sweeping, circular patterns. I feel like I owe it to someone.
Bored: To whom?
Pulseloose: To all victims of The Vietnam War.
Bored: Why them as opposed to any other group of people?
Pulseloose: They're more deserving than most. They're always on my mind.
Bored: Did 57,000 Americans and 2 million Vietnamese people die in vain?
Pulseloose: I don't think so. As long as any of us still ponder the purposefulness of their lives, I'd say they loom significantly within at least my own contemporary political agenda. If we forget them now, we might as well forget everything, pig-out and abandon the planet. History teaches we need to learn from history. Yet history also teaches that we do not usually learn from history. So, from a purely historical perspective, I challenge all readers to think about what already happened as it applies to what might happen next.
Bored: What did we learn in Vietnam?
Pulseloose: Pick your fights carefully. Avoid other peoples' civil wars. Don't start something you aren't prepared to finish. Once you commit human resources, give them cogent objectives and balls-out support. Win hearts and minds. Strive to overcome anti-Americanism. Lead by example. And leave their women alone.
Bored: What do you see in your crystal ball?
Pulseloose: Pissed off people. America misunderstood. A nation still plagued by the Vietnam era lies and frauds of both Democrats, Republicans, U.S. military officials and media sources. A credibility gap extended over decades. A genuine need for dispassionate souls to emerge above the common din of naïve protest and embrace the virtues of objective analysis.
Bored: You sound like a real intellectual.
Pulseloose: You can fool some of the people some of the time. No, I am a fair-to-middling thinker with a large heart, a real mother's son, quite feminine in disposition, I'm afraid, although also a hell of a good athlete who still carries a baseball mit and football in the trunk of his paid-for sedan. Less than smart, I am more than exhausted. Are we done?
Bored: When you say it's over, it's over.
Pulseloose: It's odor.