December 2008
Neuropsychiatry Unit
University of Fish Again
Bureau of Mines and Behinds
At ease, everyone, supplicants, consonants and termites.
People ask where I come up with this stuff. I don’t, come up that is.
For the fourth, fifth or final time, this web site is evolving, springing into the uncertain future with certain fissure. What you now see is what I get in terms of germs. This redesigned and lowly devolved presence in the ether of internet name domain game insane has been configured with YOU in mind, you and your behind that is.
Our focus on locusts derives from our hives, head-scratching nightmarish visions of pigeons cast smidgens of dungeons and dives. The wordplay is here-say, the rhyming declining in God’s name you trust. But still it goes on, as it can, as it must.
This web site evolves ever-honoring its questionable past yet embracing the omnipotent future like a cowgirl on Benzedrine. Its devotion to the Croatians is as unmistakable as the nose on a gray wolf. Visitors have known to howl. Others went back to their bridge game.
This web site is less than the brainchild of the protracted immaturity of the owner/ hedonist whose ideas have for decades now cast this particular internet destination as among the most objectionable in today’s corridors of power in the nation’s capitol and the nation’s capital.
At the center of the center is the retired Canadian university professor, Ob Long Pulseloose, AKA, O.L. Pulseloose . I am Pulseloose, thank you, thank you very much indeed, indeed-dee-doo. Every year or so I come out of the confines of my studio in York, Ontario and commit to a brief interview with the Troutstream Bored of Predators, a salacious group of voyeuristic aristocrats assembled by writer/cynic David Trout Pomeroy and sustained in part by the proceeds of a grant established by the heirs of the founder of the Willy’s Jeep brand, Brett and Monette Gonzales.
Transcripts of this year’s dialogue of sorts are made available by the Fraser and Bonita Lee Goodfellows Foundation of Detroit, Michigan, attention: “Larry.” An MP3 version is available through the Daughters of the Armenian Devolution—Wyandotte chapter.
This interview was conducted on a dreary day in the Western Hemisphere. The only ground rules were that I had to stay awake for longer than 20 minutes and no one was allowed to wear a running shoe on their ear during the duration of the plurality. Other than that, everything was fair game, all bets were off and the Lions were behind by 28 points in the second quarter.
Here then after a lot of unnecessarily self destructive set-up are the transcripts:
BORED: Constriction prevails. The unloosening of all structure invites havoc, uncertainty, social chaos and manifest destiny turned inward, radiating a perverse curtain of melancholy, hegemony and sodium benzoate on the masses according to the missus. What do you make of this and what the hell is that on your shirt pocket?
PULSELOOSE: Goat ashes. They’re said to have curative powers, not for the goat sadly I must add but for the devotee, most assuredly.
BORED: You have become a goofy old shit.
PULSELOOSE: Precisely, and that is my prerogative, having suffered fools like you jingoists throughout my long career in academia where I might add I extinguished myself long enough to take a long sabbatical, eh?
BORED: People’s 401k’s are in the toilet. What should we do?
PULSELOOSE: Get thee plunger, by golly. Plumb thy probe.
BORED: Are you speaking in tongues?
PULSELOOSE: Conceivably I am. More likely though, you’re hearing in reverb.
BORED: You can’t say that on the internet.
PULSELOOSE: By the time the enforcers of cyber respectability evaluate this remote province of pre-civilization we’ll all be on our way to the Richard Starkey Nursery School and Convalescent Center in Dubai. I can say whatever the flying fig I want and no one can stop me, no one but my wife, I mean, I mean, she mean.
BORED: You mean she’s mean?
PULSELOOSE: No I mean … just a second please.
BORED: Oh our God. We’re running out of time. People come here to get real information they can use in their everyday lives, inspiration to get them through their day, ideas on how to grow zucchini without attracting larvae and thought-starters to help them survive a 20-minute marriage without developing hang-nail and just plain good old advice to help them meet hamsters at the zoo. The general idea is to provide some simple rationale to visit this site, instead of sex.org. But all you do is rant, mumble, cough, alienate, disturb, annoy and perplex. Are you even aware of the extent to which you send strangers back into their motel rooms without even learning their astrological sign?
PULSELOOSE: Nothing like that has ever occurred to me. Still I am inclined to take you seriously if only to grow somewhat and benefit from the objectivity of your perspective on me, seen from without as opposed to with gin. I know I delude myself with excessive hops and barley extract, it being 97-percent water in origin but it also being from Denmark where brewers go back centuries and I go back to the beginning in order to wrap things up consistent with how they started which was with you asking me as I recall what I thought about the downturn in the overall state of things here just north of Col. Sanders’ birthplace, Erie, Pennsylvania where a woman once told her sister, “Stay seated while I go get another scanner.”
BORED: Obscure, alone and entirely irrelevant, you still make absolutely no sense whatsoever.
PULSELOOSE: I think it’s a little late to open another beer now isn’t it?