Agrarian Engineering
Retired college professor O.L. Pulseloose agreed to the following encounter with our Bored of Predators during a break between sessions of the annual meeting of the Oscoda Odd Fellows Women’s Hawk Hillary Bat Mitts Zed infirmary association youth chapter. In sharp dialogue with Danish iconoclast Arno Launger and two outstanding members of the clergy – Rabbi Amud Gonzales and Middle Eastern scholar Al Jazera – Pulseloose pulled no Pooch Keys in dazzling the assembled commodity specialists with his grasp of current issues and African Cricket scores.
The entire interview was recorded by the Israeli Secret Police, transcribed by Pakistani Intelligence and translated into Canadian by family members of the late goalie, Jaques Plant, eh? First City Computer Services of Ketchikan, Alaska fulfilled the task of placing these transcripts on the TroutPomeroy website in exchange for the following agreement: never again, man.
Arno Launger opens the discussion with a brief cartoon:
Launger: Iran finds itself between Iraq and a hard place, a Hard Rock Café, in fact. The Saudis are rich in crude but awkward in bed while the Taiwanese Prime Minister has an aversion to raw fish. If Jordon unseats the monarch and the Kurds attack the Shiite Muslims the entire region could revert to pre-Beatles hegemony. Is Uncle Sam in over his head and if he is, where do our neighbors to the south go from here?
Pulseloose: The Americans know what they’re doing. They had an exit strategy before they had an entrance exam. I maintain a permanent image of the bombing assault they staged on Baghdad before sending in the troops. Their precision strikes cost eight million dollars each and targeted military installations, also known as suburbia. Rockets lit up the nighttime skies, smoke unfurled everywhere and Yank soldiers dispensed one hell of a lot of bubblegum. Most of the sushi joints were vaporized while the rest of the Mullahs took the moolah and ran, mostly to North Carolina. That was three years ago. A mere seven additional years of occupation is viable, assuming the electorate succumbs to amnesia. A few hundred thousand billion dollars a day is well worth the cause as long as the former social safety net in the homeland is eviscerated in the process. Eventually Iraq will become a beacon of freedom in the region, just about the time America reverts to Gen. Hidalgo.
Gonzales: Watch it, my son. My people do not appreciate maligning Hispanic icons.
Jazeera: And lay off the shoe bomber while you’re at it.
Launger: What advice do you have for people who surf the internet and visit this website hoping to gain insight into the future of our world?
Pulseloose: Prepare to meet thy Lord.
Gonzales: Hold on, Professor. What do you know that we don’t know? Are you actually predicting a second coming? Or would this be the third?
Jazeera: Allah never left.
Launger: Before you try to answer that question, professor, let me just remind readers this website is brought to you by the I.M. Poore Literary Agency in Phlegm, Pennsylvania. OK, your honor.
Pulseloose: Am I predicting that the great immortal Jesus Christ our Lord is on the immediate verge of reinserting his or herself back into the daily agenda of the average American Joe Six-pack? Heck, I don’t know. I certainly wouldn’t rule it out. But I wouldn’t count on it either. I’m simply asserting the importance of being ready for anything including possibly a face-to-face with the big guy, I mean, Big Guy. You can work on your lines just in case you have to come up with something profound on the spur of the moment. Convening calamities appear to characterize the news this decade. I’d say the new millennium has been something of a let-down for those of us who base our optimism on the frequency with which we’re able to pay cash for a new Lexus.
Gonzales: Just a minute buddy. If you’re inferring a person should buy a Japanese car when there are also Hummers, Zodiacs and Neanderthals that get similarly shitty mileage I’d urge you to consult the Old Testament, specifically the Book of Noah, Chapter Three, fourth paragraph from the end where Zeus tells the Babylonians to shut the fuck up about the meter maids, OK?
Jazeera: Like infidels from all of time you guys make no sense whatsoever yet there remains little argument about the fact your pizza is better than your beer, if you can call it that.
Launger: Gentlemen, please refrain from ideological sparring and try to elevate the courtesy quotient if you will.
Pulseloose: I have an idea.
Gonzales: It’s a-boot time.
Jazeera: Let the man talk, Rabbi. You’re trying to dominate this discussion and it is really starting to piss me off, man.
Launger: Gentlemen, please refrain from archeological digs and try to decimate the conviviality index if I won’t.
Pulseloose: Why don’t we skip all the phony intellectual crap and just say to the readers that you know you aren’t alone when you come to this website. You know we care about you and want to do all we can to help you think your own way through the various challenges that involve all of us as fellow gas guzzlers. Flesh that out for me, Rabbi.
Gonzales: Pardon me? Flesh it out? Watch it sir.
Jazeera: Calm down, you self righteous Mexican paradox. Can’t you see he’s just grappling for meaning, like all of mankind? Let him make a fool of himself. He doesn’t need us to establish his crumbling foundation. I think we make it easier for him but he’s fully capable of carrying his own water on this expedition. We can all go back to the next session now confident we’ve left enough wisdom on the table to satisfy the censors as well as the rest of the Lebanese Mafia.
